Monday, January 26, 2015

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Due Date Approaching

It's now the month that Baby Benjamin was due.  It's been just over 5 months since he came way too soon.  I know that as early as it was it's just called miscarriage, but to me that seems to diminish the importance of the life lost.    
 I still think of him and the events of that day (week) often.  I have had the continuing support and listening ears of friends, and through the months that have passed found it easier to talk about.   I think the more freely I am able to talk about him, the more real he is.   Miscarriage (any baby loss) is not something talked about that much, because it is such a sad thing, but I think the more we talk the more it honors those little ones who went straight to heaven.
So….the due date - January 21, 2015.  With all my other children this was such an exciting time.  My impatient self wanting to see those chubby cheeks and cuddle the little one thats been wiggling inside of me.   This time, as the date inches closer, I'm filled with dread.  
Will I be sad? Overwhelmed? As one of my friends asked when I told her I want to get together on that day "Do I want to remember or forget?"  
As I ponder these questions, more and more I am leaning towards REMEMBER.  I know the events of the day were sad, but he was real.  I heard his heart beating, saw him squirming on those early ultra sound pics.  That's what needs to be remembered.
So I'm forming a plan - it's nothing definite, but here it is.  I want to get blue and pink balloons and write the names of babies lost.  I want to get my friends that have lost babies involved.  With their permission write their baby's name and date lost.  If no name was given just "baby" and  their last name.   I would like to take all these balloons to the the end of the HB Pier and let them go.  Go straight to heaven to let our little ones know that we are thinking of them.  That even though they didn't get to be part of our family on Earth, they are eternally connected to our family.

I have 5 healthy and strong children here on Earth and am very grateful for them.  Since the  events of 7/29 I hug them a little tighter, cherish every minute with them a little more.  Just because I have those 5 doesn't mean I'm not going to miss the one that was lost.  
I know for others the day will come and go, other babies will be born, 
but on January 21, 2015 I will be REMEMBERING.


Friday, August 29, 2014

Footprints on my Heart

I have been wanting to talk about the most recent events in my life, but wasn't quite sure how until I remembered my blog.   I say "remembered" because I am not a very dedicated blog writer.  
The story I am going to tell is important and I find myself retelling it over and over to people who don't know about it yet, which is hard for me. 
 I know writing it out one time will help. 

May 29th I found out I was pregnant with #6.  So much was going through my mind -
How are we going to do this in our same living situation?…What will everyone think?… What will the family think?  Right after reading the positive pregnancy test results I bowed my head in prayer for the strength to know what to do and faith in my Heavenly Father's plan.
I had some nausea the next couple days after I found out, but after that not much.
I still had the food aversions and smell sensitivity plus in the late afternoons is when I would need a rest because my energy level would be so low.
As the weeks passed I would sometimes find myself worrying just a bit more about miscarriage than I had with any of the others. I would tell myself to quit worrying or it is going to affect the pregnancy.
Fast forward to mid July - There was a nurse at my Dr.'s office who was asking women who were 11-13 weeks pregnant to come in for a free ultra sound because she needed certain images to become a certified ultra sound tech.
Of course I went in.  It was (always has been) fun seeing the tiny baby move around and be stubborn while she tried for different shots, basically showing personality already. Here's an excerpt from my journal that shows exactly how I was feeling:
                    I feel like this little one is special and seeing the Gummi Bear (our nickname for baby) moving and showing personality already just made me so excited.  Before I had mostly been nervous and worried.

Soon the big camping week of the Summer would be here, the week that had been planned months in advance.  The week of July 28th Jim, Jack and Bryce were going to Havasupai reservation in the Grand Canyon with Boy Scouts and Amy and I were to go to Camp Scherman Girl Scout camp.  I would actually be working there as a camp counselor through an awesome program - I work, she gets to camp.
Come July 24 evening, I started not feeling well.  It got worse, but I had a Dr.'s appt. the next day that I made myself go to (plus Amy had a camp physical too).  I was prescribed nausea medication, they listened to babys heartbeat - all good, made my next appt. and we were on our way.  I was hoping to feel well enough to go to camp still, but as the weekend progressed I wasn't getting much better.  I talked to Girl Scout camp director and she said I could still come to one of the last two sessions of camp, so realizing what was best for my health I decided to miss camp.  Amy would still go as scheduled though.
Monday July 28th, Amy was ready to go (mostly with help from Dad, some from me). Grandma Jenkins took her to camp buses.  Jim and boys were ready for their trip, so I decided to drop them off at their meeting place and go hang out with my mom until I felt better. 
 All day Monday I still wasn't feeling right, still had some nausea. 
Early the next morning (2:30am) I woke wet. I went to bathroom, changed, then was back to bed.  Going to back to the extra worry I had felt early on the crazy thought entered my mind " what if that was my water breaking".  7am kids and I were waking up, so I got them some breakfast and headed to bathroom ( thinking I just had to make my first trip of the morning)…The events that followed would change my life, my heart and my perspective forever.  I realized I was giving birth 6 months too early and what that meant - MIS CARRIAGE- for at 14 weeks 6 days there's simply no chance, no way of survival outside of the womb.
I called to my mom from bathroom - she got my phone so I could start calling Dr. and Jim.  I was able to briefly speak to Jim, but he would soon be at a spot where he would have no cell service till he returned home Saturday.  With the help of Mom, my out-of-stat RN sister Tavia, then EMT's the tiny baby and I were taken care of. I was relieved for that much because I had no idea what to do, was basically going into shock.
I was in the ER for 24hours.  I was helped by an OB dr., nurses, ultrasound tech, lab people (had blood work done multiple times, plus a blood transfusion), but the one that will always have the most affect on me is the Labor & Delivery nurse that came to ER got my tiny baby body (per request of my out-of-state sister) took two pictures, tiny footprints, weighed & measured - then gave them to me a long with two poems and the blanket she took his pictures in.  Yes I said his.  She told me when she came back to give me the items that she had seen boy parts.  These items are all I have to prove he existed.

What has - and continues to get me through this are three things
Take any one of these away and I don't know where or how I would be. 

After waiting four agonizing days for Jim and boys to get back to me (Amy was picked up by Grandma Jenkins and was being spoiled at home), then painfully deciding what to do with the tiny body we headed home from Grandma Chambers house.  I had been encouraged by a couple people to name him, which I had been thinking about, but no name had really struck me - until that ride home.  The name Benjamin came to my mind.  When I got home I researched the name in my name book and in the scriptures. In the Old Testament BENJAMIN is the "youngest son" of Jacob.  In the Book of Mormon there is a KING BENJAMIN.

So now I have 5 children on Earth and 1 in Heaven.

I was also encouraged my one of my great friends to get my story out there one time so I didn't have to retell over and over, which I am thankful for.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he's part of my story now. That story needed to be told, so he's not forgotten.
Over the last month  I have retold the story to people who didn't know yet and in retelling I relive, which is not fun.  I hope by telling my story someday I can be of help and comfort to someone who may go through the same thing.

Here are the poems given to me at hospital:

      No matter how small the feet
the footprints in our lives are 
as big as the love in our hearts
Remembering today and always
July 29th, 2014
2.5 ounces
73 grams
6 inches

              These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small
but these tiny footprints will never touch the ground at all
For now I have my wings
See these tiny little footprints were meant for other things
You will hear my tiny footprints in the patter of the rain
Gentle drops like angel's tears, of joy and not from pain
You will see my tiny footprints in each butterflies lazy dance
I'll let you know i'm with you, if you just give me the chance
You will see my tiny footprints in the rustle of the leaves
I will whisper names in the wind, and call each one that grieves
Most of all these little footprints will be found within my mommy and daddy's hearts…
Even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part!

Body Back Journey Summary

To sum up my journey best I'm going to quote myself straight from my journal
(a tiny bit edited): 

3/2/14 ~ I have had my good moments when I feel so proud of completing the workouts and other days of embarrassment - wetting myself with every jumping jack or jump rope. Days when I feel like the slowest or the weakest cause everyone is ahead of me or I'm just out of sync.

On the whole it's been great to learn how to be healthy and to pass that info on to my family. …Also to see the progress I am making.

I felt good, but thought I could accomplish more, so  I signed up for another 8 weeks.


My last 2 workouts of Body Back.

Can't believe I've accomplished so much. It feels good to know that I can do hard things - if I push myself to.

Now I just need to apply that philosophy to other areas of my life.

The next few months would be a roller coaster of emotions…

Sunday, January 19, 2014

My New Journey~Relevance to My Treasures

I forgot to mention the relevance my new journey has to my treasures.
When I am happy and healthy it benefits those around me, which are mainly family and friends
 ~ My Treasures.

My New Journey

Thursday, January 16, 2014 I started a new journey through the Body Back program. A journey to a happier, healthier me.   Sure I'm always told that I look great after 5 kids, but I want to see myself that way. What matters most is that I see myself as others so easily see me.  I sometimes see parts of my body that due to pregnancy and giving birth are not so great anymore. The past couple years I would think "I know I could be doing more to be happy with my body."  Not actually saying that, but subconsciously that thinking guided my actions to the first step on my journey, which actually started August 2012.  I purchased an online deal for Stroller Strides fitness class thinking when school started for the older kids, Ryan (6 mo. at the time) and I would go exercise. 
Six months passed, when I got an email that my deal was about to expire - I had to go to at least 1 class by the expiration date.  So I went - was lying on a blanket being nursed back to health (Thanks Angela Kraber)by the end (my own fault), but it felt great to be doing something for myself.  I went a few more times, but not consistently.  In fact the last time I went there were video and photos being shot for a mini web commercial…probably what got me there that time.  
I say this was the first step because had I not made that decision Angela Kraber wouldn't have had my email and I wouldn't have gotten the multiple emails about Body Back making me think "I need to do this."  There was always the price tag of the class looming at the bottom of the email, but the wheels were turning in my head trying to figure out a way.  I was actually going to email Angela and ask if it was possible to do a payment plan, when I got an email from her.  It was exactly the same as the others except for the lines at the bottom " Payment plans available. Please don't let  the reason you don't participate be financial." There was my answer.  So I emailed her back with my desire to register for the class. 

Saturday, May 5, 2012

bye Picnik

I am so sad... Picnik, the photo editing site I used to create slide shows of my pictures, is gone so apparently so are the slide shows.  
I guess it's back to normal posts for a while.